Starving: Overcoming the Battle of Anorexia and Bulimia


I think the amount of beauty that you experience in your life, immensely depends on how much beauty you allow yourself to see. Personally, I love life – the joys and pains included. The experience was never something ugly for me.

 

In fact, the only thing ugly in my life, is me.

I am five-foot-six and a half, with a waist that only grows into hips that don’t lie. Not one bit. Haha. And it’s like, the longer I look into the mirror, the bigger and bigger I get. I want to be skinny. Who doesn’t? I want to be like one of those models you see and just envy for how perfect something fits on them, or for how flawless they look…

Needless to say, what I look like is really a struggle for me. I mean, why does Natalie Portman have to look the way that she does, or someone like Mila Kunis. And why do I have to be so….. me.

The funny thing is that I knew how all of this started. Around May last year, I scribbled something on one of my notebooks that went something like…

"It can do a lot of damage to one's self esteem. All these people say that you're amazing and beautiful and there's this one person who actually makes you feel it without saying anything... And he all of a sudden stops thinking that way... So, I'm damaged at the least. All the while I'm left to wonder what I'm missing for him to notice."

“It can do a lot of damage to one’s self esteem. All these people say that you’re amazing and beautiful and there’s this one person who actually makes you feel it without saying anything… And he all of a sudden stops thinking that way… So, I’m damaged at the least. All the while I’m left to wonder what I’m missing for him to notice.”

A few jokes here and a few circumstances there, and you suddenly get so insecure about how you look and what people think of your appearance. And the reliance on people – who, mind you, will always disappoint at one time or another – and TADA! you start to become one of those girls who starve.

 

DISCLAIMER. I am not anorexic or bulimic, but I might as well be. You see, I’ve come to realize that people don’t just starve themselves of food. They also starve themselves from the people who actually care, because they focus too much on the people who don’t. Isn’t it funny? We care more about the people who don’t care?

I used to be so focused on catching the attention of one person. What happened was that it became a habit. I grew out of wanting to please one person and instead started competing with myself. I compared myself to women who fit the standard of the world and focused so much on wanting to be like them. When people would tell me that I looked nice, it would be like pouring water on an oily surface. I’d say thank you but somehow my mind could never absorb what people said. I was so depressed and so tired all the time from working out, or from just feeling so bad about my appearance.Photo taken by: Elisa Aquino

Photo taken by: Elisa Aquino

Although I never brought myself to the point of starvation from food, I starved myself from the people who cared and vomited out of my mind of the nice things that they would say, because I simply wasn’t content with myself.

When you feed yourself the wrong things, they result in the wrong kind of outcomes. And because I fed myself with lies, I now believe the lies I have fed myself with.

God’s Word says in, 1 Peter 3:3-4 (NIV), 

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self,… which is of great worth in God’s sight.

 

Remember how I said that it was funny how we focus too much on the people who don’t care, and forget those who do? Here’s the perfect example of who cares: God. He’s the one who sent His Son down on earth to die for you and for me, right? And He doesn’t think that my outward appearance matters, because for Him, it is the inside that counts.

Why then am I so focused on something that doesn’t matter? I’m not saying that we should all just never shower or shave. But I have to remind myself time and time again that the inward grooming is more important that the outer will ever be.

If I asked you to give an honest account of what Jesus looked like during his time, could you? Did he have long hair, or short hair? What did he wear? Was he into the latest fashion trends? No one can tell! But if I asked you about the things that he did, what he stood for, how much he loves us… could you answer? Yes.

People will remember your face, yes, but what they will remember more was the type of person you were. Which is why when people give eulogies, what they focus on is the LIFE of the person passed, not how the person looked.

 

Another verse in the Bible says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30 NIV)”

I keep focusing on things that won’t last and keep forgetting the more important stuff. I have to stop focusing on me and start focusing on God and what HE would think. When He sees me, is beauty what he sees? Or does He see some girl trying hard for something that, in the end, has no eternal value.

I won’t wake up tomorrow and feel beautiful all at once, but this is me saying goodbye to my anorexia and bulimia with assurance that with God’s help and in His time, I will be the kind of beautiful that He wants to see in me.

 

 

 

 

And with that, I want to promote a site for all the women out there who are interested to know more about the beauty that counts, visit:

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