For the sake of this blog, I will brand myself with a newfound condition called EAD: Excessive ATTACHMENT disorder.
I’ve been writing about God’s love, God’s plans, God’s grace and God’s faithfulness. Now, I feel the urge to write about something that I struggle with in particular, which is God’s presence. Trusting in Him is no problem. It’s wanting to feel something there physically, even if there isn’t.
It’s been really hard to write about this.
Being home schooled for practically half of my life, and studying in a small school for a fourth of it, I’ve always spent my time around people whom I felt secure with. Then as highschool was ending, and as people started saying goodbye to go off to college and stuff, I started to get scared. Scared of losing the people I loved, scared of being alone, scared of change, basically. Although, I never really looked at change as a negative thing, that’s when I got my EAD.
So. After 17 years of my existence, I am suddenly thrust into the very open, free, diverse environment of UP Diliman and voila: my attachment syndrome started acting up, double time. After the first week, I already started missing my friends.
My greatest fear is losing a loved one, and maybe it’s because I feel like I have already lost a few, and it feels terrible. It’s like, no amount of missing a person is going to make that person want to see you again. It gives them no urge to when I know that it used to.
Now, the bad boy down in hell knows that that is my weakness and he loves using it against me. He loves telling me lies and as much as I know that what he says isn’t true, it still hurts. I struggle with God’s presence cause it’s sometimes really hard to feel Him actually being there.
Our pastor in church said, emotions should not govern us, but we should take responsibility over them. Nevertheless, that doesn’t stop my emotions from going wild at times.
This week in particular has really been tiring, and I’m pretty sure the following weeks will be getting more and more stressful since profs are loading us with work, trying to compensate for all the suspension of classes. I was feeling all the fatigue and was totally exhausted by Wednesday (which, take note, was only the beginning of the week since Monday and Tuesday were holidays).
Knowing that I had running class the next day, I slept at 10pm, counting in my head that if I slept at 10pm and woke up at 5am, I would have 7 hours of sleep. Exhausted, I fell into bed.
The next morning, I woke up to my mom panicking.
“Tahnee! Oh no! It’s 6:15 already!”
Ripping the blanket off, I ran to get dressed.
Scratch taking a bath. I’m going to be late!
Half running-half stumbling to my cabinet, I turned around to run back to my bed so I could get my iPod and listen to Christian music.
Lord, I need you to help me think positive right now.
I played the song “Everything,” by Lifehouse.
As I was dressing up and fixing all my things, the time was not getting any slower, it looked much faster actually, which annoyed me so much.
Lord! Please, the time!
(My prof really doesn’t like us coming late, which is why I was in such a rush. If I was late, I knew I’d get it bad.)
I was reasoning with myself if I should just cut the class.
Lord, I need You right now. I need to know it’ll be okay.
(I’ve never cut a class before, and honestly, my conscience just can’t take it. HAHA)
At 6:20, I was all dressed and about to go downstairs to eat breakfast. With the biggest frown on my face, I shoved both of my phones into my bag noticing that the light was blinking in one of them, I decided to check my new messages.
If I am going to be late, what the hell, might as well be.
Lo and Behold, it was a text from my prof,
“Please be advised that our class today is cancelled…”
And at that, the climax of the song was playing.
Cause you’re all I want,
You’re all I need
And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would you tell me, how could it be
Any better than this?
It felt as if suddenly, all my stress and anxiety had gone away.
I felt God’s presence everywhere.
A warm breeze blew against my face amidst the cool six-in-the-morning weather, and I started crying.
All this time, God let me oversleep cause He knew I needed it, and I wanted it. He took care of everything else. My prof’s reason for not having class was uncooperative weather, but it wasn’t raining. NOT AT ALL.
And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by you?
This is so true.
How can we just stand there and not be moved by God? There are so many people out there, including me, who can be so apathetic to how God is moving and how God would want to move in their lives.
Just like the Israelites, we’ve seen so many miracles performed by God. We’ve seen Him work. But there are still times when we seem unmoved.
It’s something that we don’t always think about and most often brush aside, but everything about God is so amazing. It’s so amazing! Ever since that day, I cry every time I think about! Because how can I stand here and not be moved by God?
So, for all my attachment problems, yeah, I may miss people, but being in God’s hands, in His embrace and in His unconditional love, life has never been better.
I feel content and unreservedly loved by an invisible being who has done nothing for me, but the most amazing things in my life. He has ultimately saved my soul from an eternity in flames, He has loved me every single day of my life, He has forgiven all my past, present and future sins, and He never fails to sweep me off my feet.
Now, “would you tell me, how could it be any better than this?” :)